I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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