I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
