Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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