There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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