so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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