Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
