TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
