you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
