he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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