I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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