Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm at about main and main street
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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