Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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