I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
