This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
