Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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