Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
