Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
