I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
