I need help removing her.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
