Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
