Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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