Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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