I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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