Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
