i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
