my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
