So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
