yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
