i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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