My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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