he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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