she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
