omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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