Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
