Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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