don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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