So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
