grandma shit on top of the toilet
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This baby is an asshole
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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