If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
