my phone needs a breathalizer
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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