Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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