I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
