why didn't you poke me back
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
