Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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