god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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