i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
