I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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