so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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