Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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