i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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